Last partial update: July 2016 - Please read disclaimer before proceeding.

 

What is ageing well?

“Successful ageing means giving to others joyously whenever we are able, receiving from others gratefully whenever one needs it, and being greedy enough to develop one’s own self in between.”
 George Vaillant, US medical practitioner and writer.

 

To age successfully people must live well in addition to 'living long'. Ageing is a combination of the benefits of maturity and the problem of increasing decay that leads to death. To be happy and contented when growing older, people need to maximize the first and, while trying to minimize the effects, achieve an acceptance of the second.

Not surprisingly, the things that define who we are throughout our lives are the things that have been found to make us most happy. These include our relationships and friendships, our chosen vocation, consuming interests that we acquire and practice, such as sport or music, and our religion / spiritual ideology. People who lead active, interesting lives will have a bag full of the above and will be able to look back on a lifetime of enjoyable experiences.

In order to be able to guide their lives in such a positive direction, people need an upbringing that shows them the benefits of such a lifestyle, helps them develop an optimistic outlook, and develops in them enough self-confidence to allow them to take charge of and mould their lives. This will assist in making wise choices when it comes to life’s important decisions, such as the choice of a partner or vocation. As will be discussed later, learning and practicing the art of good decision making is an important factor in ageing well.

Many people search for happiness and fulfillment in future events, such as the birth of a child, or in the successful completion of life's goals. While these things may well bring happiness there can be no certainty in such assumptions and it is important to remember that it is just as important to make the journey happy and fulfilling. The postponement of happiness and fulfillment is a risky practice as many opportunities may never come again and future rewards may end up being less than we expect or not attained at all. For example, staying in a higher paid job that is not enjoyed in the hope that there will be more money to spend in retirement will be of little benefit if redundancy occurs before that time or children leave home with memories of a grumpy parent and an unhappy childhood.

Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age.
                                     Christopher Morley, US author & journalist (1890 - 1957)

George Vaillant in his book Ageing Well discusses the findings of three ongoing studies that have been looking at how people mature over time and what determines whether they have aged / are ageing well. These are unique and fascinating studies that have comprehensively (from many perspectives) observed the lives of three separate groups of people in the USA over very long periods of time. One has been going since 1938. The findings in all three studies were remarkably similar, with the important factors being in order:

The above list demonstrates that ageing well is a complex mix of being physically well, avoiding harmful addictions, maintaining meaningful long term relationships, being able to adjust well to the challenges life hurls at people and spending time learning.

While there are obviously as many solutions to ageing well as there are people who accomplish this feat, there are some common themes that are worth discussing.

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Maximising the benefits of maturity

You can only perceive real beauty in a person as they get older.
                                                                                       Anouk Aimee (1932-)

George Valliant in his illuminating book, Ageing Well, states that there are six stages that adults who ‘age well’ go through.

The first three goals are essentially aimed at establishinging ‘who you are’. Necessarily, they are mainly self-centred in nature and to maintain a well-balanced life it is important that they are approached in an altruistic manner by being considerate and helpful and also pursuing activities that help others. A common problem in modern society is the single-minded pursuit of work-related, financial goals at the expense of developing and expanding relationships with partners, family and friends, and helping the general community.

Having successfully attained the above, people begin to move away from these self-centred pursuits and increasingly focus on helping others and sharing the wisdom gained through years of experience. The more successful people are in mastering the initial three stages, the richer their range of experiences will be and the more they will be able to give to others. Thus, they start to guide the next generations, the people who will outlive them.

For many people, this process is initiated with the upbringing of children and one of the most important legacies anyone can leave is a family that has been loved and well supported.

This caring process then leaves the home and spreads out to include assisting in the general community and at work, perhaps as an educator, a consultant or a coach. The handing down of knowledge and experience is an integral part of leadership roles that mature adults take on, both at work and in community organizations. For example, players become coaches or administrators in their sport.

Finally, the process evolves further into the role of preserving those things that individuals have found important in their lives. This often involves fundamental truths about work and the surrounding world. Subjects that come to mind include the environmental issues, cultural traditions, ethical concepts, such as freedom and equality, or important long-term vocational issues associated. Work in these areas is often done gratuitously and is thus ideally suited to those who have retired and have reduced monetary requirements. That is, people whose children have become self supporting.

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Confronting the process of decay – being positive

The final stage in adult maturity is ‘integrity’, which basically deals with how people confront the process of decay. This is a difficult task and one that gets progressively harder. The ability to successfully address this task will depend on maintaining a positive attitude and using the resources developed during life. There are many things to be positive about in old age.

Getting there: The first and perhaps the most important positive about old age is getting there. Many do not. People should be proud of their lifetime achievements. Seeing older people who are happy and contented with their lifetime achievements is one of the best examples that children, grandchildren and great grandchildren can be shown.

Activities: Continuing to be involved in activities and community causes previously enjoyed provides motivation and is a great example once again for younger people. It is never too late to learn or to contribute.

Family and friends: Enjoying the company of a partner and friends is one of the great joys of old age. Making and keeping as many friends as possible should be a priority throughout life. They are a more important asset than financial wealth. Remain ‘active’ in the family and in friendships whenever possible. With the majority of families having both parents in the workforce, minding grandchildren can be a real help both logistically and financially to children. There will also be many opportunities to assist friends. It is best to remember that care can go both ways in old age. Be prepared to give help joyously and accept it graciously.

Dignity in death: Finally, showing dignity in very old age and in death is once again a very good example for younger people.

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Aids and hindrances to successfully achieving adult maturity

Hindrances

The main hindrances to ageing well relate to mental rather than physical disease. Alcohol is a major cause of social problems in our community and its abuse compromises the lives of both the abuser and other family members. Everyone who consumes alcohol, about 80 per cent of the population, needs to be informed about reducing harm associated with alcohol use. Those who consume alcohol should read the section in this website on alcohol. 

Having a positive attitude to life in general, while still remaining realistic, is a huge advantage in dealing with problems that inevitably arise. Unfortunately this is a problem for many people. Luckily, however, there are methods of changing thinking patterns for glass ‘half empty’ rather than ‘half full’ people and these are outlined in this section and the sections on achieving change and depression and anxiety. People with depression find adopting such an attitude difficult for much of the time. A major stumbling block is recognizing the problem in the first place, with about 50 per cent of depressed people remaining undiagnosed.

Poor coping mechanisms are commonly used in adolescence to deal with problems. With time, most people learn better alternatives. Those people that continue using these immature coping mechanisms are less able to deal constructively with life problems. Their natural development of a mature personality, as outlined in the section above, is stunted and their value to their family and their community is reduced. These poor coping mechanisms, such as always expecting the worst scenario, are also termed automatic negative thoughts and are discussed in the section on Achieving Change..

Aids

Probably the most important aid to successful ageing is having a loving partner. The realization that a person can accept and love another is one of the strongest sources of self-esteem obtainable and the mutual support that such a relationship provides is of great assistance in getting through life’s problems. Nourishing an extended family and network of friends provides similar benefits. Also of great significance is having a sense of meaning or purpose in life. Clear life goals, being dedicated to a cause, having values that transcend personal benefit, and possessing strong religious beliefs are a few of the attributes that can provide such meaning.

“Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.”
                              Albert Einstein (1879-1955), writing on defining success.

Being able to modify our expectations about what we can do physically and mentally so that we have a realistic view of our abilities as we age is also a great help. If we expect less, we are less likely to be disappointed. For example, at some stage arthritis will mean that, for many people, walking rather than running will be the form of exercise that is most appropriate. Accepting this change rather than trying to fight it is the best policy.

Looking after physical health has numerous psychological as well as physical benefits and includes eating well, being physically active and not smoking.

While all coping mechanisms help deal with problems in the short term, the development and use of mature coping mechanisms deal with the problems constructively and are beneficial to your character in the long term. For example, redirecting negative feelings to a problem so that they can be used in socially constructive or creative ways, such as preventing similar unfortunate occurrences happening to others or helping others cope with similar experiences. One common way this coping mechanism is used is when sufferers of an illness help counsel people with the same illness.

Finally, it is worth noting that, as long as basic needs can be comfortably met, wealth has little effect on happiness and ageing well.

Can you change the way you are and the way you feel?

Everyone can change the way they feel by altering the way they think and examine their beliefs. This is the basis of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. (See section on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in Achieving Change section.) An essential part of this process for people to examine their lives to see if they are conducting them in a way that reflects their true beliefs about what is important in life.

 "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
                       Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States (1809 - 1865)

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Examining one's life

People who are content with their lives usual spend a large amount of their time doing what they feel is important. That is, what they do accurately reflects what they enjoy doing and what they believe in. For most people this involves being engaged in a range of activities. Most people will also have future goals in life and everyone should think about whether their life is directing them towards achieving their goals.

If this above is not the case, it might be time to reconsider how time is being spent.  Common areas where the balance between what should be done and what I being done gets out of sync are relationships and health. People often believe that these aspects of their lives are important but spend little time on them.

‘Happiness is not found in self-contemplation; it is perceived only when it is reflected from another’
Samuel Johnson, English poet and critic (1709 – 1784)

Once the above have been assessed, it may well have become obvious what changes need to be made to achieve life priorities. If not, a helpful technique is to try a ‘preferred life’ say 10 years is a useful way of clarifying your priorities. Goals can then be developed to achieve this ‘vision of future self’. (See section on Achieving Change.)

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Looking for the good in everyday life

'No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.'
Aesop Greek slave & fable author (620 BC - 560 BC) (from The Lion and the Mouse).

The way people look at their lives often unfortunately reflects the way that the nightly news is reported. It is all too easy to concentrate on the problems that invariably occur. However, a quick change of glasses can make us aware of the fact that our day is made up of a huge succession of things that go right (the world would never get anywhere if it didn’t!!!), and many happy, sometimes unexpected, occurrences. Spending a little time thinking of these each day is a great way to start becoming a happier ‘half glass full’ person. Sarah Edelman in her book Change Your Thinking (ABC books) suggests that people should spend five minutes a day just writing down the good things that happened. After finishing this task, another useful practice is to write down a few ‘good’ things to do tomorrow to make sure the ‘good thing’ list if even fuller tomorrow evening; things for oneself and things for others. (For example ringing or visiting an old friend or relative, helping your child pick flowers for her teacher,  buying the book you heard about today, making an unexpected treat for the family for breakfast, writing a thank you note etc etc etc etc etc).

That best portion of a good man's life,
His little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love.
William Wordsworth English poet (1770 - 1850)

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Action for happiness

'Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.'
Dalai Lama.

Much research has gone into mental well-being / happiness in recent years and, while these goals are understandably different for every person, there are some general recommendations that can be made regarding achieving happiness that apply to most people.

Most importantly, as the above quote suggests, these involve active interventions in one's life. No one is going to come to the door delivering a parcel of happiness.

This section outlines recommendations provided in the 'Happiness Action Pack' produced by a group in Great Britain called 'Action for Happiness', which is available at :

http://www.actionforhappiness.org/media/80216/action_for_happiness_-_happiness_action_pack_v3.pdf

The group states that there are ten 'GREAT DREAM' factors that promote happiness / well-being, as follows. (Many have already been mentioned in the sections above.)

And taking the six actions listed below can help incorporate these factors into your life:

1. Daily mindfulness: Take 10 minutes per day to do a simple mindfulness meditation.

This means paying attention to the present moment; of the things around us, our thoughts about these things and, our rresponses to these thoughts. It helps us focus on making the best of our current situation and helps us better accept our day-to-day lives.

Resources: A free 10-day guided meditation course on the Headspace website: https://www.headspace.com or download the free 'Headspace' iPhone App.

2. Three good things: Each day try to write down three good things that happened that you can be grateful for.

That is, keep a good thing dairy. It is a great resource to look through when things are tougher and provides a good resource for ideas about ways to help others. Try discussing them with family and friends.

3. Letter of thanks

Thanking those that have helped you is positive for you and for them; as does returning the favour in some way. Think of three people who have helped you in some way and select one to write to.

4. Extra acts of kindness (see list below*)

There a myriad of ways to show kindness that occur throughout the average day. Try to do at least one extra act of kindness each day. Some opportunities to show kindness occur spontaneously. Others can be plannned ahead. Some involve friends, family or fellow workers. Other complete strangers. Some can just be random acts.

5. Use your strengths

An important part of building resilience in children is building on strengths they already possess in their lives. (See section on preventing anxiety and depression in children) These strengths come in various forms; they can be things we do well, strong family connectedness, good personality traits.

The VIA character strength assessment can be done online in about 30 minutes and can help you identify your 'signature strengths':

https://www.viacharacter.org/www/

Once you have gained an ordered list of your strengths start at the top and pick the five that 'are you' and that you would most like to further incorporate into your life. (It is likely that they will be there already to some extent.) Then pick one and try to use it more in your everyday life each day for a few weeks. Try to incorporate it in a variety of ways and in a variety of siuations. Once you have done this with one, you can do it with the others.

6. Look for the good in people

“If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will."
Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States (1809 - 1865)

It is easy to take the huge number of things that go right every day and the people that help these things occur (mostly family, friends and work colleagues) for granted. The outcome of this behaviour is that we can tend to focus more on the things that go wrong and the faults in our family and friends. Constant complaining is very destructive to both individuals and relationships.

A better approach is try to see the good in the people that inhabit your life.

Pick an important individual in you life and assess the good points about this person. Then look for them and acknowledge them when they occur. Assessing their good points includes asking what you enjoy doing together, what do you currently appreciate about them and what are their strengths. This can be done with all those who are important to you.

 

*Some acts of kindness to get you started

  • Give up your seat
  • Hold a door open for someone
  • Give a (sincere) compliment
  • Give someone a hug
  • Take time to really listen to someone
  • Make someone new feel welcome
  • Let one car in on every journey
  • Give directions to someone who's lost
  • Have a conversation with a stranger
  • Pick up litter as you walk
  • Let someone in front of you in the supermarket queue
  • Tell someone they mean a lot to you
  • Let someone have your parking spot
  • Read a story with a child
  • Treat a loved one to breakfast in bed
  • Buy cakes or fruit for your colleagues or when visiting the doctor, vet, physio etc or for people who provide a community service, such as local police, ambulance personel etc
  • Invite your neighbour round for a drink and a chat
  • Offer to help with someone's shopping 
  • Tell someone if you notice they're doing a good job
  • Pass on a book you've enjoyed
  • Say sorry (you know who to)
  • Forgive someone for what they've done
  • Visit a sick friend, relative or neighbour
  • Buy an unexpected gift for someone
  • Bake something for a neighbour
  • Pay for someone in the queue behind
  • Do a chore that you don't normally do
  • Help out someone in need
  • Donate your old things to charity
  • Give food to a homeless person and take time to talk with them
  • Visit someone who may be lonely
  • Give blood
  • Get back in contact with someone you've lost touch with
  • Organise a fundraising event
  • Volunteer your time for a charity
  • Plan a street party

 

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